Upon catching up with episodes of Brothers & Sisters...

I don't resent my small family because we (mom, janet, I) have been blessed beyond words but there are days like today when I long for a bigger family. Cheaper By The Dozen Big. I've always wanted five brothers and sisters, and aunts and uncles from Russia and Argentina, and a huge house to anchor us together on holidays.

Two summers ago I got a short-lived taste of what big-family feels like. I was in Seoul for my Grandfather's 80th birthday- my first time in Korea in 10 years. The last time I had gone to Korea, I had held my baby cousin in my weak and bony 10-yr old arms, unconvinced I was holding a baby girl and not a baby boy. Then when I saw her as a full grown person, unable to recognize her, I remember feeling like a complete stranger - a foreigner in my own family. Of course the feelings of unfamiliarity and distance changed in an instant. Three weeks of celebrating my Grandpa's milestone of a birthday, we warmed up to each other very quickly. And it was in the final moments at my grandfather's house, when I had to start packing for home, that I didn't want to leave. I even considered moving to Korea for two years because I wanted to be with my extended family.

Unlike my sister and I, my mom actually has 5 brothers and sisters, and she has aunts and uncles from everywhere. And my grandpa has a huge house that anchors both immediate and extended family together multiple times a year.

I love family. I love that I can be connected to a complete stranger simply because of our blood. I love that an uncle I've only met twice in my life can sit down with me, and tell me he understands why I am the way that I am because he knows my mom better than anyone else. I loved growing closer to my family, respecting them, and being proud to be one of them. (thankfully, no crazies in our family). But the best thing of all is that only in family, am I loved unconditionally.

Obviously I never made it to Korea because I'm here in the states, just me and my mom, living like an odd couple, trying to survive through this recession and my never-maturing adolescence. But over the past few years I've made a humbling realization. Because even being apart from that big, crazy, drama-filled family that I so desperately desire to be with each day, I am, at the same time, completely happy with the family that I've built and am continuing to build here in the states.

I've learned how to draw people close to me, as close as I possibly can. I've learned how to love and accept people how my family loves and accepts me, and because of it I am so rich with community. Because that's what family really is, a community of support and accountability. I love my church so so so much. I love my friends so so so much. I love my friends' friends and I love my friends' boyfriends and girlfriends. I need and I want dozens of people in my life! I am not a particularly sociable person, but I am a social person, and I am blessed because God created me to be relate-able, and for that, I want to know the world!

There is a huge part of me that is extremely exclusive. I think that's the part of me that loves the intimacy and loyalty that comes from family. But at the same time, I want my social network to grow bigger. I want to meet more people to be exclusive with. I think I meet an amazing new person every month. With some I am almost too quick to tell them I love them. But I do. Because I love family.