Arse-Kicking.

(Evelyn Wang feels that I stole her theory about the difference between being sociable and social. I did not. But I'm glad someone understood what I meant by that.)

But shoutout to Evelyn for inspiring me last night with this very simple yet profound reminder "Actions speak louder than words".

I cannot chide someone for his/her bad habits, mistakes, or life choices, when I myself have no authority to do. And the kind of authority I'm thinking of only comes from leading by example. (Also, digressing, respect is such a conditional human complex. Its scary what we become when we don't receive it. Its very difficult to command to begin with.)

Reoccuring example: Yelling at my younger sister.
For some reason I think that yelling at her leads to her listening to me. Somehow I've always thought that I could control her future that way. Yelling, may, on some disturbed level, convey that I want the best for her but that's the pathetic extent of it. Good will. Too bad, Good Will never did anything for anyone. (Literally too. The only people who shop at the Good Will store are people who already have money). I used to think my yelling did a good job of coming off as reprimand but in the end, it just comes off as scorn. (Scorn = ridicule, belittlement, mocking, contempt)

Sometimes its best not to say anything at all. Actions speak louder than words.

On to the next one.

I got the most haunting phone call this morning from the Registrar's office at UCLA. Basically 2 quarters ago I took a prep class for my senior thesis, and because of my frequent absences (8am class, why???) I got a B- for it. Apparently, for the minor, you need at least a B to "pass the course", and long story short, I can no longer graduate with the minor I worked SO SO SO HARD FOR. I spent hours on my senior thesis, and I'm so proud of it and I stayed/paid an extra year just so that I could be part of the civic engagement movement. I feel defeated but I am not depressed. But wow, life is tough when I've made so many irreparable mistakes.

Man.
The man sucks. (Jack Black, School of Rock.)
Stick it to the man.
Jk, this is all my fault.

I will press on.

One thing I am DONE saying is "I need more discipline in my life". That is obvious. Yeri Chang reminds me everyday. Her voice haunts me. Her life haunts me (its disciplined beyond my understanding).

There is something more obvious. A life that pursues God is the utmost good/solution. Everything falls into place.... everything that I need and lack.... discipline included. So no, you can't tell me to be more disciplined or take more control of my life. You cannot keep me accountable because I will fail you and myself. But I know this truth: When I am close to him, he transforms me. When I am close to his Word, it sets me free. When I am not, I make the WORST LIFE CHOICES. Absolute worst, Irreparable mistakes included.

There is right way to live. And there is a wrong way to live.
Wow. There is right. And there is wrong.
There is truth. and then there is rationality.
There is perfection. And there is me.

Truth. Perfection. Greatness. Wow, I love these things so much. Can you imagine a world without these things?...