Things I don't do anymore

1. Take pictures
2. Play boardgames
3. Buy DVDS
4. Laugh out loud
5. Watch sports
6. Hang out in big groups
7. Tell crude jokes
8. Dragonboat
9. Hang out with guys
10. Cheerlead
11. Hike
12. Dance
13. Sleep
14. Bike at the beach
15. Visit my dad


2008-2009 was tough. I adopted all these new standards for life, love, relationships, God, and in trying to keep up with them, I lost a lot of who I am. It wasn't fun, constantly being the bystander of my own life. The more hypocrites you meet in this lifetime, the more you try not to be one yourself. I'm still trying very hard to balance this idea of always "doing the right thing" and being myself at the same time. I'll always be fond of my second year of college, when I was this bright and shiny obnoxious girl who loved every breathing thing that walked this earth. Life has become a little more dark and a little more serious. My walls are so high up I can barely breath. How to trust again? And how to be trusted again?

I know that God created this formula for the good life for a reason, even though its the hardest thing to keep up with. I am, and will always be a firm believer in this. I will never ask God for signs or miracles or try to interpret his "will" for me. Because I have his will on my shelf. In paperback and leatherbound. I don't understand how people can put God in a box and force him to give them answers on their time. Interestingly, you WILL get answers. More often than not, the answer is just what you ultimately want. I don't trust myself that much. What I want is never what I need. And it makes me sad that I can't trust the desires of my heart. I can only ask God's truth to save me. Thankfully, I learn something new each day, and it renews me. So I guess the answer to my problems is to keep on chugging and be transformed by his truth.

Freedom is close, I can feel it - freedom from self-suppression. I'm ready to bring my walls down though its gonna take some time. I will never be a person who wears her heart on her sleeve. But I want to vow to always be open about my thoughts and my struggles. I am not afraid of what people think of me. Maybe because I am my own harshest critic. Life goes on. I am thankful for the good people I have met during this tough year who show me how to love. Because I thought I knew. I have a ways to go...